never enough time

 this post is especially for those who have met the boys; an update. i write not for any other reason than it is therapy for me, and it allows friends to know what's up so there isn't that weird question of why are you only posting pictures of chaco? why are you just taking chaco and not 'the boys?' eventually i will pull together a good set of memorial pictures into a video or something. but for now, we're just going to take our time adjusting.

i was given a gift back in early october. i had to take bruno in because we thought he might have a blockage, but after a couple hours in the wee hours of the morning, they recommended taking him for an ultrasound, and there i was told by the dr. that it was inconclusive, but they suspected cancer, so we opted for prednisone which would give us about 4 months. and he came back and was a happy pup! 

we took this one a couple weeks ago when we had a good walk around the grounds

i decided that if it was true, we were spending the next 4 months eating treats, walking and napping (he prefers that over playing). and we did. it was such a blessing to have to work completely remotely this year, as i was able to spend the quality time with him, and didn't have to leave him once!

one of our last nights at the foot of the bed

sometime in the last week, enjoying the softest little rug i toted in for him

about two weeks ago bruno began to do a small sneeze with his breathing; somewhat in spurts...when he was napping, he was peaceful. i figured perhaps that was a sign that the prednisone was wearing off. the night before the boys had their bi-annual check-up, bruno was having a breathing fit in the early hours of the morning, so i picked him up and paced the room, and when he calmed and my arms were getting tired, i laid him on my bed, and i adjusted to accommodate him and we had fitful bouts of sleep that night. 

when i checked him in on friday morning, i was convinced it was our last visit to the vet, and i asked them to do a Quality of Life Check before going through with the rest of the visit, and i left with a heavy heart. so when they called and the vet told me she thought it was just a cold, because she had seen quite a bit of mucous when she was inspecting him and he was sneezing. she suggested that he might just be congested, and did we want to try antibiotics? i was relieved and hopeful to have just a little more time!

we came home, did our evening routine-no one was hungry, but i was able to get them to eat just enough to give bruno his first round of antibiotics, chaco wasn't scheduled to get his pain meds until the next morning, as he'd just had 3 teeth removed and had stitches with an injected pain med. they did indulge in some treats before bed, and when i went to finish washing some dishes, bruno laid in his bed by the couch and got comfortable, so i left him there with the nightlight on, and left the bedroom door open so he could wander in when he was ready.

our last pic (still seemed to be doing fine)

around 12:30 am i heard a sound i pray i never hear again. at first i thought chaco's pain meds had worn off, and his mouth was hurting, but i looked and he was laying by my feet a bit confused.

when i went to the living room and turned on the light, bruno looked to be staring off in the distance. when i went to pick him up, he was limp and lifeless. i was not sure what to do or really how to feel. i'd gone to bed unsuspecting. so i wrapped him in his small blanket and cradled him for a bit, then sat on the couch petting him for about an hour watching for a breath or a heartbeat.

i had to google what to do because i have never had to do this, and no one tells you these things. so i wrapped him a bit tighter and prepped him. i still live in an apartment here, so i had no place to bury him, which meant a call to the crematory. i called and left a message, and they called me early the next morning to give me information on what to do.

i took him to the sarasota pet crematory and the gentleman (jim?) who greeted me was very pleasant and kind. we were able to get through all the paperwork and make some decisions through tears and several kleenex. he informed me that they would hold him over the weekend, and the actual act would be done on monday, with the ashes being ready by the afternoon or tuesday. i said tuesday was fine, and decided that it would just be best to take a sick day on tuesday to pick him up and deal, just to be safe- you can never trust your emotions, eyes or voice in these situations!

i canceled saturday and sunday plans and just hung out with chaco. when i came home from the crematory on saturday, he was sniffing around the apt and whined a little...i wasn't sure if he was looking for bruno, or if his mouth hurt, or if he was frustrated that he couldn't find his squeaky toy. so we ended up going out to robinson preserve to walk on the soft track for some fresh air. i think it was his mouth that had been bothering him, and i ended up carrying him much of our little walk. we will probably get over to see wembley sometime this week because it has been awhile. also i think chaco is wanting attention from other people. he looks at people and starts wagging his tail whenever they walk by...needing some contact!

i think he's not sure what to do on a walk because he was always so used to taking cues from bruno!

chaco- trying to pretend he's enjoying this

my friends were so thoughtful-after i canceled and let them know why, they brought over the sweetest card and a plant and a favorite drink. hopefully i can keep the plant growing!

i'm very fortunate to have thoughtful friends!

so today is tuesday and i went to pick up his little urn. they really are professional and i will be giving them an excellent review. the urn is sweet, they were able to get a nice paw impression. i brought everything home and then went to the beach for a walk because walking is always good, and the sun combats sad. 

perfect Christmas ornament

simple like bruno

they included a little packet of wild flowers to plant as a memorial-raving fans

still a bit raw and not able to actually talk about bruno, because i cannot trust my feelings yet. they change with the wind...it can be the smallest thought, or sight of a toy or something we used to do or say as a routine...

i have a feeling i may be trying to sneak chaco into random places with me: stores, beach, etc. he doesn't love being left home alone, but we'll figure things out.

give your pets extra pets and treats tonight!

julie